Thoughts on Marriage

Today, Sergio's cousin, Diana is getting married to a godly upright man. Diana and Tyrae, all my love and prayers go out to the both of you in the beginning of this new stage for you as husband and wife!

A few weeks back, Sergio and I were reminiscing about our first few weeks and months as a married couple. Thankfully, it wasn't as hard a transition for us as it is for some couples. We're both very down to earth, easy going people. That isn't to say we didn't have arguments or conflicts. We definitely did. But by the grace of God, they were resolved pretty quickly and with relatively little emotional injury to either party. The greatest thing that was bruised was our pride - which was definitely a good thing!

While we didn't have out and out shouting matches, we often struggled with inconsiderate comments, hurt feelings, and unexpressed emotions. We learned pretty quickly that if either one of us refrained from communicating what we were feeling/thinking out of pride, fear of discomfort, or fear of ridicule, it only strained the relationship making things even more difficult to work through later.

Something that was very difficult for me was communicating my emotions that I knew were sinful, but that I couldn't deny I was still feeling. Especially at the beginning, I often felt that it was better me to keep my sin hidden and just "deal with it" on my own regardless of the fact that it was affecting my marriage. When Sergio would ask me what was bothering me, it would be common for me to respond with, "Don't worry about it. I know I'm wrong. I just need to deal with it and get over it." I thought that I was doing a good thing by not burdening my husband with issues that I knew were not justified. I didn't realize that this was more damaging for our marriage than it was helping.

To begin with, I was basically telling Sergio that I didn't need his help. This does nothing for his confidence in me. Secondly, I wasn't allowing him to connect with me on that level. This meant he didn't know what sins I was struggling with or how to specifically pray for me. I was preventing him from learning about me which would have enabled him to be a better husband - one that lived with me in an understanding and loving way. Thirdly, I was designating and restricting certain parts of my life from my husband. That's not what marriage is. I am his and he is mine. We are one.

Believe me, I still struggle with the temptation to shut him out. Every time I share something I'm ashamed to be thinking/feeling, I really have to check my pride at the door and it's uncomfortable. But, afterwards I always feel better. The conversation that ensues is always encouraging and edifying for both of us. This only strengthens our relationship.

So, when we were reminiscing, I asked him, "What advice would we give to newlyweds? What would I tell a woman about to be married, and what would you tell a man about to be married?"

Here's what I said (for women):
"When you're in the middle of an argument/conflict that seems to feel damaging to the relationship, take a deep breath and remind him (and yourself) that you love him - that though there is a temporary rift in the relationship, the love is present regardless." When we're angry or feel hurt, sin and pride so easily creeps in and its deceitful nature tempts you to put your own desires as the priority of your heart. It tells you that your feelings are more important than your spouse's and because of this, he must yield to you. It's hard for a husband to lead a woman who demands to have her wishes met regardless of her husband. Reminding him that you love him not only refreshes him, it forces you to take a step back and out of a potentially sinful state of mind and re-prioritize. I can't be loving Sergio properly and resenting him at the same time. Impossible.

Here's what he said (for men):
"If your personal relationship with the Lord is compromised, your relationship with your wife will be also." When he said this, my heart filled with joy because of the profundity of this statement! Men have a huge responsibility. One day, they will have to stand before God and give an account for how they led their family. They will be responsible for their leadership over other sinners. This task is too much for a man who doesn't draw his strength, joy, and endurance from the treasures of knowing Christ. Resolve, without Christ, will eventually fade and the marriage will be put in jeopardy.

These two statements are obviously not all-inclusive of the secrets to a successful marriage. There really are no secrets anyway. Just obedience. Sergio and I are far from the example of a perfect marriage - mainly because we are each far from perfect. But we're both thoroughly enjoying to journey, and I can't speak for Sergio, but I am so beyond happy with my companion.

Once again, Diana and Tyrae, congratulations! May the good Lord fill both of you with the joy only He provides and may your marriage help you love Him more!