Apologizing is for Cowards

Sergio and I have a lot of the same interests. We have very similar tastes in music, movies, foods, and hobbies. In addition to this, our personalities can be very similar as well. We're both down-to-earth people and (relatively) slow to anger. However, we do have very different strengths and weaknesses. When we don't submit to passivity in the battles against our sin, our differences are usually very complementary. Where I am weak, he is strong and what he lacks, I supply. Wind beneath wings and all that.

Problems arise when we do give into complacency and become passive about our sin. Then those differences turn into irritations and those irritations turn into disagreements. And sometimes, disagreements turn into unkind words/behavior and hurt feelings. At that point, the one who did the hurting has a decision to make: to apologize or to seek forgiveness.

Apologizing and seeking forgiveness are NOT the same thing. I've been thinking carefully about what exactly I would say in this post. In my contemplation of this over the last few days, I've come up with three ways apologizing and seeking forgiveness are not the same thing and one very ultimate reason why those differences matter.

The first way apologizing isn't the same as seeking forgiveness is that apologizing is comparatively easy whereas real forgiveness is difficult. Depending on the offense, real forgiveness (both seeking it and granting it) can sometimes feel impossible. To fully understand this, it's important to understand what forgiveness looks like. Genuine forgiveness (and really, there is no other kind) requires more of both parties than apologizing does. For the guilty party, it requires an acknowledgement of their fault that resulted in them somehow wronging the other person and it requires a sincere grief for doing so. For the wronged party, forgiveness requires them to let go of their offense, a denial of themselves, and a restoration of the relationship to the harmonious state it was in before the offense occurred. For both parties, seeking forgiveness requires humility and self-denial in the name of love.

Given that clarification, here's another distinction between apologizing and seeking forgiveness. Apologizing has the veneer of forgiveness, but really only requires the offender to state facts and requires little to nothing of the offended. Here's what I mean. To be able to say "I apologized," all one has to do is state a fact: that they are sorry for what they did or for how something turned out. Have you ever gotten an "apology" something like this? "I'm sorry I made you feel horrible, but you shouldn't have provoked me." I've unfortunately been on the giving end of that conversation. That may fit the requirements of an apology. I really was sorry my actions resulted they way they did. But that isn't a pursuit of forgiveness. I was not acknowledging my own sin and fault as being behind the action. Or maybe you've gotten an apology like this, "I'm sorry for I have wronged you" and nothing more is said on the subject. That's pretty lame if you ask me. The restoration process has only started and then it is abandoned usually because actually finishing the process is awkward and uncomfortable. Seeking forgiveness requires an evaluation of your own heart before you seek to make things right with the person you've wronged. It's not enough to chalk it up to being a sinner. (Though that's true). There's some disconnect with what we believe and how we're living that resulted in us sinning against a particular person in a particular way. Forgivess demands an introspective inquiry of your relationship before God and how it must be somehow distorted or tainted in that it resulted in your selfishness at the expense of someone else and how that result now needs to be discounted if the relationship is to be restored. And that discounting is in the hands of the offended. Forgiveness requires the offended to deny (not as a result of naivety, but as a result of conscious refusal to retain) their desire to hold on to that grudge. It requires them to be rid of the offense now and forever and not allow it to influence their love for the person that offended them. It seems unfair to the offended and too good to be true for the offender, but it's essential to all relationships because in all human relationships, each party plays each role at some point.

The last way these two are vastly different is in what each accomplishes. Though it may not be the intention of someone apologizing, apologies are very self-serving. It is usually driven by a desire to absolve the guilt felt in the situation, not necessarily a desire to see a relationship restored. I have apologized to people because I knew I wouldn't stop feeling bad if I didn't. Who wants to hear an apology motivated by self-interest? The pursuit of forgiveness however is restorative. It erases the offense and therefore returns the relationship to the state it was in before the offense. Not only that, both parties have the security to know that the offense will not be brought up again to be thrown in anyone's face or used to "win" an argument.

Why does all this matter? Because for those of us who have a relationship to Jesus Christ, we have been forgiven of offenses that are innumerable and should condemn us to hell. Proper forgiveness of people is a reflection of perfect forgiveness we have by God in Christ. We didn't come to God and receive forgiveness just by saying, "I'm sorry" through a superficial apology because we felt bad. We came to God and received forgiveness because of our faith in Christ's power to pay for the sins we committed that stored up God's wrath against us. He removed our iniquities from us and grant us an inheritance which we profoundly do not deserve. With that forgiveness, how can we pridefully choose to merely "apologize" when we can seek forgiveness. And with God's divine forgiveness of a debt worthy of hell, how can we not bountifully forgive those who sin against us? When we understand this, relationship with the King and relationships with one another are radically affected and infected with joy.

Some good verses to meditate on:

"I will be merciful towards their inequities, and I will remember their sin no more." Hebrews 8:12

"...as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

"I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:2-3

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, you also must forgive." Colossians 3:12-13