A Truly "Good" Marriage

Happy New Year everyone!

It has been so long since I've posted. And that's because a lot has been happening. I won't go through everything, but know that I have been challenged in many good ways to be more organized with my time, more intentional with my decisions, and more thankful for my husband's free time.

Though there really is tons I would like to share, this post is really the result of a conversation I had last week and my own contemplation that has ensued from it.

Last week, after church, I went to lunch with a friend of mine and a friend of hers. The latter had recently been through a difficult break up with a long time boyfriend and asked me a poignant question. She asked, "Would you say that a good marriage requires both individuals compromising and meeting in the middle when they disagree." I said, "No."

This may come as a shock. On the surface, it would seem that the answer should be "yes" as a peaceful marriage does require selflessness from both husband and wife. But let me explain why I responded in the negative and what it was I said a good marriage required.

*Please note that in this particular scenario, there was an understanding that we were talking about a Christian marriage, though I don't think it would surprise anyone for me to say that a Christian marriage is the type that is most pleasurable to be in anyway.*

Firstly, it's important to define "good." The reason this is important because it was a significant condition in the phrasing of the question. I don't doubt that there are many decent, peaceful, and even pleasurable marriages where compromise and "meeting in the middle" are common place. But how I define the word "good" is why that mode of conflict resolution is insufficient.

I'm talking about "good" in the most ultimate sense of the word - in the sense the bible talks about when it talks about good for believers. Yes, I'm going there. We all know the verse right? :

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose
Romans 8:28

Ok well, that's all well and... er... good. But that doesn't really tell us what the "good" is for the believers that love God (which, by definition, is all believers, by the way).

The answer comes in verse 29:

For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 

Here's the "good" that is resulting from God working all our circumstances towards: our sanctification - our conformation to the image of his Son.

So, back to the original question. Does a good marriage require individuals compromise to meet in the middle for the resolution of a conflict or disagreement.

Here's what I said. A good marriage (in the ultimate sense of the word, "good") requires - from both individuals - a complete self-denial and unconditional preference for the other's benefits and desires above their own. In order for there to be a truly good marriage, both people must deny their needs, wants, and preferences, for the needs, wants, and preferences of their spouse.

Interestingly, when this is occurring, the result may often be the same as it would be in a relationship where each spouse is compromising and meeting the other half way. So, if you end up in the same place, why bother opting for the harder of the two. One requires little sacrifice - really only when there is a conflict of interest which may only occasionally arise. The other requires a complete change of mindset that governs your entire married relationship.

There are at least two reasons for the believer to opt for the harder of the two practices.

The first is that the harder of the two requires the help of the Holy Spirit and accomplishes what Romans 8:29 promises: to make us more like Christ and therefore, honoring and glorifying the Lord (which is the purpose mentioned in v. 28). The easier of the two options still leaves room for some selfishness. If two people are meeting half way, they can keep around 50% of their self-interest against the interest of the other person. Yeah, it's better than 100% selfishness... I guess.

The second reason the believer should opt for the harder of the two is simple. The journey towards resolution is a joy to travel. While you're preferring your spouse and you see your spouse is preferring you, you can't help but love each more deeply for two reasons. The first is simple: it's easy to love someone that loves you selflessly. The second is deeper: it's an immense pleasure to love someone who loves his/her (and your) Savior so obediently that it governs all they do.

In the end, God is glorified and magnified. And, as believers, if God is our supreme treasure, what better reason to do anything?