Disappointments

Over the course of the last week or two, I have been faced with a couple of personal disappointments. They have not been major, but they have not been minor either. One had to do with the day-to-day mundane, and the other hit a little closer to home on a personal level. Either way, I was forced to evaluate in whom or in what I am putting my hope, trust, and confidence. I was reminded that I was never promised that life would go exactly how I plan it, or even how I may want it. I think that I'm pretty good about grasping the concept of accepting curve balls in life, but along with that, I think I also assumed that it would be a pitch that I liked, even if it wasn't expected. What a silly assumption.

I often get exacerbated with children that respond with, "But, I want to!" when they are denied permission or access to something. I have found myself scoffing thinking, "Pft! As if their desire is factor in parental decision-making for their good." I'm not talking about a child who is expressing a preference. There, desire can be a factor. I'm talking about a child who has been told to submit to an authority for their own good and in response, out of rebellion, question their parent's wisdom and say, "But, I want/don't want."

Then I started thinking about these particular two disappointments in my life lately. With both, I have petitioned the Lord in prayer over. I have, "made my requests known" to Him. My prayers usually sounded like this, "Lord, my joy is not dependent on X or Y happening, but I really would like X and Y to happen if it's your will." When I didn't see the results I was hoping for, I found myself praying, "Lord, I really would have liked those things, but I see it wasn't your will yet. I submit my requests again." Essentially, "But, I want to!" I didn't even realize that this is what I was doing until a few cycles of petition and disappointment. And it came to me pretty randomly too. (It's amazing how our minds wander when we're in the shower!)

I'm not saying that asking our Father for Him to bring about circumstances is inherently wrong. That doesn't align with scripture. The way we requests things and our motivations behind our requests could be what is damaging. I don't think my motivation for my requests were wrong, but my method was. I was asking for things that could be good, healthy, and edifying. The Lord answered, "No." Or, at least, "Not yet." He didn't say "Yes," that's for sure. My response was, "Ok. How about now?" I didn't ask for thankfulness for His response. I didn't pursue wisdom and joy in light of His denial to my request. This is essentially saying that there was something incorrect about His judgment. It doesn't seem to be enough to say, "I am confident in the Lord's sovereignty" if when He displays his sovereignty over a situation, you can't find joy, peace and rest in it.

I am continuing to make the same petitions because I believe that they are motivated by Him. But if it takes more time for Him to answer yes, my response will not be, "But, I want to!" My response will be, "Thank you, Lord, for wanting my good and wanting me to draw closer to You as I wait on You." And if He makes it clear that His ultimate answer is, "No. Never." My response ought to be the same.