Life is Happening

Things are happening. And yet, at the same time, they aren't. Let me explain.

My time at Cal State Northridge is wrapping up. I have to turn in an essay tomorrow, and take my last final on Friday morning. After Friday, my time as a Matador will be complete. And after the first week of July, when I finish my summer class at College of the Canyons, my degree will be complete.

Sergio will finish up taking his comps (hopefully) by the end of May and (probably) by the end of June. So, by the beginning of July, he will have his Masters in Physics, and I will have my Bachelors in English Literature. We will be done with that part of our lives!

Sergio and I got married when he started graduate school and when I was a sophomore in college. We've always been in school together thus far into our marriage. This is a new stage. This new stage is exciting, but at the same time, I find myself tempted to be anxious.

I have two jobs. One is at 24 Hour Fitness working at the front desk. The other is at Los Angeles City College in the writing center. My job at LACC ends with the school semester and depends on my full-time enrollment at a college or university. This job is also the major source of my income. At the end of their semester (which is in about two weeks) I will no longer have a job here and, unless I go to grad school, will not be able to gain employment from them again.

Sergio's current job at CSUN also ends with the school semester. (This job is the major source of our combined income). He will receive his last pay check in the month of July or August, I believe. Though he'll have some extra income in the month of June because he agreed to lecture a short summer class, he does not have any job security after that.

I am conflicted with the decision of what to do with myself. Honestly, I was hoping that I would be expecting by now so that the decision would be easy. But that is obviously not the Lord's plan for me yet. If I go to grad school, I'd have some job security in the coming semester. However, going to grad school would entail taking out a student loan, which I'm not sure I want to do.

I suppose this is every college grad's dilemma. I was actually getting overwhelmed by the uncertainty last week and earlier this week. I was feeling trapped and anxious. I wanted to cast my cares onto the Lord, but I started thinking, "Well, what if I get to the deadline for a decision regarding grad school and I still don't know the Lord's will for us yet?" I was letting that question consume me.

After some prayer and meditation on scripture, I realized that I don't need all the answers yet. If I really "cast my cares" on Him, I can't take them back. They're no longer mine. So what should I let consume my thoughts? Well, for starters, the things I know are demanding my attention now. My relationship with God, my husband, my final assignments, my home space, my budget, my health. These are plenty to keep my mind occupied. I'll continue to keep those other things in prayer, but they can't consume my meditations, or occupy space in my heart. They can't produce anxiety because they have been placed into the sovereignty of the Creator. That's where they were the whole time, I just kept wanting to take them from him. Anxiety is really just a produce of a lack of humility when you really think about it.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers regarding everything I've just mentioned. Things are uncertain, but God is greater than all of them. :)