My Adventures in Motherhood and Some Words for Moms-to-be.

My darling boy is six weeks old. It is surreal to think that I have been a mother for over a month. These last few weeks have been filled with all kinds of emotions that I'd rather not admit to. I have felt overwhelmed, anxious, and weary. There have been times when I have been overcome by fear (usually irrational), or felt hopelessly helpless as desperate cries of despair fill my ears. There have been times that - because of unintentional words or circumstances - I have felt like a bad mother. And there have been times that I questioned whether or not my son even liked me.

To all mothers-to-be, those first few weeks are hard. Very hard. So many emotions cloud your judgment and it's not surprising that even some of the godliest of women struggle against post-partum depression. If you're reading this and are pregnant, be aware of the trials ahead. If you are a brand new mom experiencing this, I can relate and trust me, it does get better.

I've come to appreciate certain truths that have sustained me through this trying time. Firstly, knowing that my task of raising this adorable little boy is given by God specifically and purposefully to me has been encouraging. It has been easy for my mind to lend itself to thoughts that perhaps other women are better equipped to be mothers than me or even thoughts that I'm a subpar mother. But, considering my commitment to be faithful and obedient to God's instructions, I know that there is no other mother better suited for Calvin than me. Yes, I'm not as experienced as some women may be, and I often doubt my abilities, but I need to trust that God knew what He was doing when he gave me Calvin and when he gave Calvin me. He needs me. He doesn't need me plus grandmothers (although they are super helpful and truly blessings from the Lord). He doesn't need me plus other women. He doesn't need me plus other family members. He needs me as a mother and Sergio as a father. And nothing else. And Sergio and I need grace (and tons of it).

Secondly, I have a new appreciation for a dependence on the sovereign will of God. Of course I want to be diligent in my obedience to God as I raise my son, but using my best judgment in whether or not to establish a strict feeding and sleeping schedule will not matter in the long run. (The long run meaning Calvin's adulthood). Decisions like that are completely within my discretion and knowing that God's will will be done, reassures my heart. I can't screw up God's will for us when I pursue wisdom and His glory. That's settling.

Lastly, it's helpful to remember that I - and no one else - will be accountable for Calvin. New moms get loads (LOADS) of well-meaning (and sometimes pushy) advice from every direction. When you're in an already emotional state questioning whether or not your son has some deep-seeded disdain for you, it's really easy to take that advice and put too much stock in it. It's easy to second-guess decisions you've already carefully thought out because you feel pressured to not ruin your child's psychological development by letting him cry himself to sleep once in a while -- even when you know he can. But when I remind myself that I (I! Not so-and-so) am going to have to give an account for what I decided to do for and with my child, it helps to trust my gut.

Besides marriage, this has been the greatest journey. Yes I have been tired. And yes, I have struggled with grumpiness and irritation. And yes, I have been jealous of those who were able to shower on any given day. But my son's face, the way he looks at me when he's fighting naps, the way he grabs my fingers while I'm feeding him, the way his head bobbles when Sergio burps him, the way his mouth stays open when he's falling asleep to a feeding, the way he cries sometimes (he says, "ah-la!"), it makes my days full of joy and purpose. Being a mom is the greatest feeling and occupation in the world. It really is. There is nothing I'd rather do.

I just want to close with this considering I know a lot of women who are pregnant with their first babies. Please let me encourage you in the following ways:

-- Seek the Lord and His wisdom throughout all you decide for your children.
-- Submit to the leadership of your husbands. (Just because you are suddenly endowed with a mother's instinct, does not justify contradicting the leadership God has placed over you. Besides, you'll find that they are generally more clueless than you and will usually defer to your judgment anyway).
-- Ask for the opinions of those your respect, and politely listen to the opinions of those who like to give it a bit too eagerly, but rely on your own filter of all those opinions.
-- Sing hymns to your baby. You'll find you're singing them to yourself too.
-- Consider long term goals when you make little decisions.
-- Do not neglect the relationship with your husband. The best thing you can do for your baby is to have a strong, vibrant, happy marriage.
-- Don't overlook or underestimate how well you know YOUR baby. The best advice may not be applicable for YOUR baby, and so don't feel bad when you've tried something that didn't pan out.
-- Don't focus on how unattractive you feel. That too shall pass. And besides, you're a mom now. There is a whole new beauty that comes with that.
-- Remember that your baby won't remember the times that his/her crying was your fault.
-- Pray more for wisdom and grace than for anything else (including sleep -- though you will definitely be praying for that too).

I'm sure there are tons more. But, I don't want to be one of those people that are "too eager" to give counsel. :)