The Joy in Suffering

About a month ago, I found myself praying something shocking. I prayed for suffering. I didn't directly come out and ask God to allow me to get into a car accident or anything like that. I had noticed that I was learning so much about Him and His character, but life's circumstances didn't really provide much opportunity to practice certain things I was learning. Of course I was still (and am still) battling the sins that so naturally reside in my heart, but I realized that my circumstances were comfortable. While I'm thankful for times when the waters are calm, I found myself praying that He would make me more like Jesus through whatever means necessary and whatever means would most glorify Him. I wanted to live out and exercise my faith. Be careful what you pray for.

Now, my trial isn't even close to what many saints have gone through or are currently going through. But it still shook me. I was sinned against. OK. That didn't sound too earth-shattering, I know. Let's just say that the sin against me was deep, unprovoked, and way out of left field. I was really hurt and profoundly shaken. By God's grace, my first instinct was to retreat to prayer. I wish I could write that I did that well. Even my first attempt at prayer was sinful. For the first minute or two, I was basically throwing myself a pity party and I invited the Sovereign as my sole guest.

He was so kind, though. I had been reading Hebrews 11 that week. The "hall of faith." Paragraph after paragraph of giants of the faith. The common thread all these shared was their obedience. They were all obedient to God's instruction albeit imperfectly. In their obedience, which was a result and act of faith, they were blessed. So, in this quiet moment of feeling helpless, I asked God, "What would you have me do?" When someone sins against you, there's really only one thing to do that will result in peace in your soul: you must forgive.

Forgiveness can seem impossible sometimes. But when it is when it's difficult to do that it is often wonderful to do. There were a few really great things that came out of this trial that I'm glad I got to practice or relearn.

Firstly, this trial provided a good reminder of the ugliness of sin. I felt betrayed, hurt and torn apart. It felt pretty miserable. And yet, this sin against me, as powerful as it was, was just a whisper of the grotesqueness of our sin against God. The sin in my trial was one sinner harming another sinner by one singular action. Our sin is against a Holy, perfectly beautiful, majestic God. And before salvation, it's an entire life lived in rebellion and defiance against Him. If that comparatively minuscule sin was as offensive to me as it was, how much so is our sin against God? This trial provided a good reminder of the gravity of sin -- of MY sin. And knowing how repulsive your sin is, makes the joy of your salvation all that more profound.

Secondly, I realized how focused I was on myself, or my indignation, or my pain. Focusing on the the reality of my offense made it hard to forgive. As long as my efforts and energy are poured into defending my righteous indignation, forgiveness can't be possible. For the Christian, there can no longer be any drive to hold on tightly to our "rights." I have no "right" to withhold forgiveness. My identity is found in Christ. This identity is one based on forgiveness. Because the entirety of my worth and value is dependent on the forgiving power of the cross, my life is no longer about me. It's about living in such a way that is a reflection of Christ's work on earth and on the cross.To focus on the offense (whether intentionally or just through a failure to fight against it) is a practical denial of what Christ has done and therefore a practical denial of your claim to Him in your identity.

After forgiving this person, I found that even though the relationship was on the mend, I still struggled with feelings of bitterness. Though I wasn't angry with the offense against myself, I found thoughts like, "How could this person do this?" enter my mind. Beware of bitterness. It's sneaky. Thoughts like this are usually present for one reason. It's a sign that resentment that is being harbored and that's an indication that there's a lack of understanding of what forgiveness means. When the offender seeks forgiveness from you after they have sought forgiveness from The Lord, it's helpful to understand that they are already forgiven by God. Thoughts of bitterness and resentment essentially ignore that truth. How arrogant of us to know that the Lord will actively choose to no longer remember that person's wrong doing and yet, through bitterness and resentment, we keep replaying the offense in our own mind! If the Lord has chosen to not remember, we must as well.

But to CHOOSE not to remember is easier said than done. Lastly, I found that even though I no longer wanted to have bitterness, it kept creeping in my thoughts. I was reminded of a couple of things. Firstly, our nature is so wicked! I was reminded of what Paul said in the 7th chapter of his epistle to the Romans when he said that that which he wanted to do he didn't do, and that which he didn't want to do, he found himself doing. That is every believer's struggle. I was also reminded of the need to take every thought captive. Thoughts can be so destructive. They seems innocent. We often view thoughts not as something we control, but as things that just wash over us. This is how we get into trouble. Taking thoughts captive is hard. But if we want to improve our relationship with God and stop sin dead in its tracks, it's so necessary. Then I was reminded of how to do this is a complete act of dependence on grace. There were so many times I wanted to be bitter, but I had to just trust that thinking about something else was better for me than what my sinful flesh wanted to think about. It's far better to meditate on a truth or promise found in the Word of God than to allow your mind to wallow in ugly bitterness, even if bitterness seems to promise cleansing. Instead of thinking, "What kind of person would do this?" I would think, "Thank you, Lord for this trial to give me the opportunity to see your faithfulness in this way."

Let me say this, I wouldn't recommend you pray for suffering. Life will bring it on its own. But do be prepared for it. During times of rest and peace, arm yourself with scripture so you have a well-stocked armory when the battle for your mind and affections wages. It's the only way to rise from the ashes of the trial singing, "It is well with my soul!"