My Adventures in Motherhood and Some Words for Moms-to-be.

My darling boy is six weeks old. It is surreal to think that I have been a mother for over a month. These last few weeks have been filled with all kinds of emotions that I'd rather not admit to. I have felt overwhelmed, anxious, and weary. There have been times when I have been overcome by fear (usually irrational), or felt hopelessly helpless as desperate cries of despair fill my ears. There have been times that - because of unintentional words or circumstances - I have felt like a bad mother. And there have been times that I questioned whether or not my son even liked me.

To all mothers-to-be, those first few weeks are hard. Very hard. So many emotions cloud your judgment and it's not surprising that even some of the godliest of women struggle against post-partum depression. If you're reading this and are pregnant, be aware of the trials ahead. If you are a brand new mom experiencing this, I can relate and trust me, it does get better.

I've come to appreciate certain truths that have sustained me through this trying time. Firstly, knowing that my task of raising this adorable little boy is given by God specifically and purposefully to me has been encouraging. It has been easy for my mind to lend itself to thoughts that perhaps other women are better equipped to be mothers than me or even thoughts that I'm a subpar mother. But, considering my commitment to be faithful and obedient to God's instructions, I know that there is no other mother better suited for Calvin than me. Yes, I'm not as experienced as some women may be, and I often doubt my abilities, but I need to trust that God knew what He was doing when he gave me Calvin and when he gave Calvin me. He needs me. He doesn't need me plus grandmothers (although they are super helpful and truly blessings from the Lord). He doesn't need me plus other women. He doesn't need me plus other family members. He needs me as a mother and Sergio as a father. And nothing else. And Sergio and I need grace (and tons of it).

Secondly, I have a new appreciation for a dependence on the sovereign will of God. Of course I want to be diligent in my obedience to God as I raise my son, but using my best judgment in whether or not to establish a strict feeding and sleeping schedule will not matter in the long run. (The long run meaning Calvin's adulthood). Decisions like that are completely within my discretion and knowing that God's will will be done, reassures my heart. I can't screw up God's will for us when I pursue wisdom and His glory. That's settling.

Lastly, it's helpful to remember that I - and no one else - will be accountable for Calvin. New moms get loads (LOADS) of well-meaning (and sometimes pushy) advice from every direction. When you're in an already emotional state questioning whether or not your son has some deep-seeded disdain for you, it's really easy to take that advice and put too much stock in it. It's easy to second-guess decisions you've already carefully thought out because you feel pressured to not ruin your child's psychological development by letting him cry himself to sleep once in a while -- even when you know he can. But when I remind myself that I (I! Not so-and-so) am going to have to give an account for what I decided to do for and with my child, it helps to trust my gut.

Besides marriage, this has been the greatest journey. Yes I have been tired. And yes, I have struggled with grumpiness and irritation. And yes, I have been jealous of those who were able to shower on any given day. But my son's face, the way he looks at me when he's fighting naps, the way he grabs my fingers while I'm feeding him, the way his head bobbles when Sergio burps him, the way his mouth stays open when he's falling asleep to a feeding, the way he cries sometimes (he says, "ah-la!"), it makes my days full of joy and purpose. Being a mom is the greatest feeling and occupation in the world. It really is. There is nothing I'd rather do.

I just want to close with this considering I know a lot of women who are pregnant with their first babies. Please let me encourage you in the following ways:

-- Seek the Lord and His wisdom throughout all you decide for your children.
-- Submit to the leadership of your husbands. (Just because you are suddenly endowed with a mother's instinct, does not justify contradicting the leadership God has placed over you. Besides, you'll find that they are generally more clueless than you and will usually defer to your judgment anyway).
-- Ask for the opinions of those your respect, and politely listen to the opinions of those who like to give it a bit too eagerly, but rely on your own filter of all those opinions.
-- Sing hymns to your baby. You'll find you're singing them to yourself too.
-- Consider long term goals when you make little decisions.
-- Do not neglect the relationship with your husband. The best thing you can do for your baby is to have a strong, vibrant, happy marriage.
-- Don't overlook or underestimate how well you know YOUR baby. The best advice may not be applicable for YOUR baby, and so don't feel bad when you've tried something that didn't pan out.
-- Don't focus on how unattractive you feel. That too shall pass. And besides, you're a mom now. There is a whole new beauty that comes with that.
-- Remember that your baby won't remember the times that his/her crying was your fault.
-- Pray more for wisdom and grace than for anything else (including sleep -- though you will definitely be praying for that too).

I'm sure there are tons more. But, I don't want to be one of those people that are "too eager" to give counsel. :)

Preparing for Calvin: Part Three; Prayers for the Hearts of my Husband and my Son

Thankfully, now we are logistically prepared for the arrival of our first child. The car seat is in the car, the crib is assembled, and his closet is organized and diapers are handy. See, we're not that negligent. But one day after his due date, Calvin is still comfortably mooching off in my womb. We are eager to meet this little boy, but he seems content to make us wait. I guess he's doing this because he knows I still have not finished my series of blog posts. He's so smart!

Well, in the two previous posts, I've explained the ways in which I'm spiritually, mentally and emotionally preparing for the arrival of my son. The first way was through reading. The second way was through prayer. I explained that I bring myself up to the throne of grace often and pray for my own ability to mother him. Well, I also pray for two other people quite regularly.

The first is for Sergio, my husband and Calvin's dad. I'm sure anyone who reads this blog on a somewhat regular basis already knows how I feel about my husband. (He's FANTASTIC!) And I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I really do love him and admire his character. He's faithful to me and to our covenant bond of marriage in ways in which many people don't even consider.

When a woman has this type of man by her side, it's easy to eagerly want to do what is in his best interest. This desire to serve him plays out differently from day to day, but the best thing I can do for him is pray for him. I do this often. I pray for his safety, for his health, etc. but today, I'm going to talk about how I'm specifically praying for him as we wait to be given a baby to raise.

Firstly, and most importantly, I'm praying for his relationship with the Lord. Before he can be a faithful husband and father, he must be a faithful follower of Christ. A man's relationship before God governs the quality of his relationship to his family and to anyone else. When his relationship to his Savior is tested, frayed, or weakened, it's only a matter of time before his relationship with his wife and his children will be negatively affected. My primary prayer for my husband is that God's grace sustains his faith and confidence in Christ and that He give Sergio the desire, drive, and diligence to continue to pursue Him as his greatest treasure.

Secondly, I'm praying for Sergio to be given abundant wisdom and clarity as to what is required of him as a husband and as a father. The best way for a man to be a great father is to first be a great husband. Nothing gives a child a better sense of security and love than a mother and a father who are wholly committed to the strength of their marriage. Sergio excels in this area. I pray that God continues to give him the grace needed to excel still more. But there also exists the need for wisdom and clarity in God's calling for fathers. At the end of the day, when Sergio comes before God to give an account for his life, the buck stops with him for the state of his household. He will have to give an account for his performance as the head and leader of the household. That is exclusively the role of the husband/father. It can't be a charge that is neglected or taken lightly and I pray that Sergio remains mindful and consistent. I believe he will.

Lastly, I pray for Sergio's biblical convictions to remain strong and for those convictions to be lived out in every area of his life. It's one thing to communicate convictions to children. It's quite another for them to see you cherish them and live them out with joy. I'm praying for Sergio's courage and boldness in this as our society is quickly changing into one that is hostile to many of the convictions we hold. I do not want our children to see us waver out of fear of man or persecution. I want them to see us love our Lord's standards and I want them to see it especially in their father.

The other person I'm praying for is Calvin. Duh! Firstly, I'm praying for Calvin's level of understanding. I know that as his mother, I'll be in the unique position to speak truth into his life more often than any one else - especially in the early years. I'm praying that God gives him a mind that is eager to listen and learn and understand. I pray that he's a little boy who asks a lot of questions, who loves to read, and who knows how to use his imagination skillfully. I pray that he desires to soak up as much knowledge as possible and for a desire to live out the knowledge and truth he does acquire.

The other way I'm praying for Calvin is in the company he keeps. The Lord was very gracious to me in the friends I made throughout my childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood. Not all were necessarily Christian or came from a Christian home, but he spared me from potentially corrupting elements. Children are impressionable and easily swayed. And rarely do they have the wisdom to discern when they are being influenced negatively. In his childhood, I pray that God gives Calvin friendships that would be edifying and that would point him back to Christ. In adolescence, I pray that God shapes and informs his discernment as he makes friends that will have a significant impact on his development into adulthood.

In my own adulthood, the Lord has blessed me with a wealth of godly women friends of all ages from whom to draw wisdom and insight. They have labored with me in prayer over countless issues, spoke into my life, helped me to see God in areas of my life that I was ignoring or neglecting, and have provided nuggets of truth that I often turn to when I'm in sin. I pray that God gives Calvin an army of godly men to surround him in this same way. Also, I pray that God makes Calvin the kind of friend and the kind of man that would edify, challenge, and sharpen other men as iron sharpens iron for the glory of God and the building up of His church.

Lastly, and most importantly, I'm praying for Calvin's salvation. I realize that this prayer really should've been the first mentioned as it dictates the rest. If Calvin is full of biblical knowledge, and knows how to play the part of the Christian, but has never been redeemed through Christ, it's all hypocrisy and he would just be a pharisee. The reason I saved this for last is because I can instill in him a habit of reading and study. I should and I will. I can also instruct him in how to be a good friend and when he's little, I can have authority over the company he keeps. But when it comes to the regeneration of his heart and the salvation of his soul, I can do nothing but pray. Sure, I can teach him what the bible says on the matter - and I will - and I can point to ways to look for evidence of his salvation - and I will. I can even encourage him to search his own heart and question its motives - and I will. But I cannot ensure there any specific conditions in our home that will guarantee his salvation. Nor will any amount of prayer guarantee his salvation. I can only pray for it and trust that the Lord has already decided the final state of his soul.

In one sense, this can be discouraging. Why bother going through all the trouble of raising up a child in a Christian home with Christian standards if there's no guarantee of his eternal security? Raising up a child in this manner requires sacrifice, denial of yourself, and hard labor. But in another, more real sense, it's a relief. My faithfulness to raise my child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is not primarily to ensure a specific outcome for my child: it is an expression of my love and desire for obedience to the Lord that saved me. That love for Him then secures my confidence in that whether he saves my son or not, He will be glorified for eternity. Therefore, my joy in Him not dependent on circumstance, not even the circumstance of my son's eternal security. His glory - not my children's salvation - is my soul's joy and satisfaction.

So, that's how I'm preparing for the newest addition to our family. This is how I will prepare for all subsequent additions, however many that will be. As for now, we patiently (not always as patiently as I ought) await God's blessing and know with a heavy heart that ultimately, this child (just like everything else we have authority over) is not mine. He is the Lord's and I am just a steward until the Lord sees fit to end my stewardship for his purposes.

Just waiting for the labor pains to begin.... :)

Preparing for Calvin Part One

Well, baby Calvin is due at the end of June. That's just over two months from now. Sergio and I are eager to meet this little man. (My eagerness is partly influenced by the fact that I'm not crazy about being pregnant and am quite ready for it to be over).

Sergio and I are not planners. What's more, we're both procrastinators. So when people ask, "What do you still need to get ready?" My response is, "Everything." We have some baby clothes as well as bottles that a couple of families have graciously handed down. We have a small supply of diapers and baby formula ready to go in case he comes early. And the baby registry is mostly finished. But that's it. What more is there? I have no idea. I figure we'll learn as we go. We're experts at winging it.

But there are aspects of child-rearing that I am not leaving to chance. No, I have not read up on colic, sleeping patterns, development markers for growth, diaper rash, baby Einstein videos, or toys to help motor skills. I probably will one day soon, (or not, who knows.) but that's not what is consuming my head space when it comes to preparing for baby Calvin. The two major things I'm doing to be adequately prepared for this little gift is reading and praying.

*I won't be able to exhaust all I want to say in one sitting. So today, I will expound what I'm reading in preparation for baby Calvin and either later today or tomorrow, I will write about what I'm praying in preparation for him.*

As broad as reading and praying are, they each have particular and specific manifestations.

My reading falls into two categories. The Bible and parenting books.

In preparation for Calvin, I'm reading the bible. I want my own knowledge of God to be built up so that my life is an informed and intentional living sacrifice to the God who saved me from my own sin. First Peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light." I was saved so that my life could be one of good works as a form of worship to God and as a testimony of his goodness to an unbelieving world. Because my husband is a believer, and therefore a fellow heir in Christ, my first evangelistic ministry is to my children. My life ought to be a living example of God's kindness and mercy to them. And my understanding of God informs and enhances my ability to live out this task.

A deeper understanding of God not only motivates my living for him, but it allows me to directly and correctly instruct my children. Though it is essential, it's not enough to assume that my holy living will inform my son about the characteristics of God. I need to be able to communicate those truths to him at every level of his understanding. In order for me to do that, I need to know those truths like the back of my hand. Second Peter 1:3 says, "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence." The Bible contains all truths that "pertain to life and godliness." Have you seen how big the Bible is?! Then you can appreciate the burden and gravitas of that charge!

Well, I'm not just reading the Bible in preparation for baby Calvin. I'm also reading good parenting books. I think it's important to make two distinctions right off the bat here. Firstly, I need to say that no amount of reading outside the Bible, even books by wise Christian authors, can replace or substitute reading to gain knowledge from the Bible. The Bible is the inspired Word of the creator of the universe. All other books, as helpful as they can be and as God-honoring as they may be, are not. I admit that I have a tendency to spend more time reading books by MacArthur, Piper and others because of the ease of readability. But this should not be. And I'm making efforts to combat this. I'd encourage anyone reading this to make more efforts in getting your wisdom and knowledge PRIMARILY from the Word of God and not being content with Christian books that quote the Bible. I promise there is a difference in authority, and there is a difference in how your soul will be influenced.

Secondly, I want to emphasize my word choice. "I'm reading good parenting books." By this, I don't just mean I'm reading Christian parenting books. Unfortunately, in the majority of Christian bookstores, there are few choice of books that have sound doctrine, that exalt God above man, and that have principles rooted in scripture. It's sad. And I really exhort anyone reading to be careful in those stores. Many Christian parenting books and resources today is just secular psychology wrapped in "christian" language that vaguely and superficially address biblical concepts of parenting. A secular psychological concept that is supported with a bible verse taken out of its context is NOT biblical. Be careful.

With that said, getting your hands on a good parenting book is not only helpful, it's wise. As important as it is to get your wisdom primarily from the Bible, God has gifted people with the ability to teach and help communicate the truths found in scripture. Don't be foolish enough to think you have it all figured out. Find reputable, Bible-exalting authors you trust who have proven to be beyond reproach and read what they have to say on different subjects. Make use of the resources available to you. I have read Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and am currently reading What the Bible Says About Parenting by John MacArthur. Both are blessings to my heart and soul because they are rooted in scripture and I highly recommend both to parents, parents-to-be, or anyone who has children in their care (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc).

At a later time, I will write about the other way I am preparing for baby Calvin: through fervent and sincere prayer. As important as reading the Word is, it's imperative that we remember that even in our study and diligence, we are dependent on God's grace to understand his truths, and to apply them to our lives.

Cuteness side note: as I was writing this, this little son of mine was squirming and kicking restlessly. I love being a mom. Right now, it's so easy. :)

Follies of Trying to Transcend Gender

Looking at trends in academia is a good tool in predicting where our society is headed. After all, our culture's future ought to be mentored and guided by the best minds we have to offer, right? Isn't that the best way to ensure progress? Exactly what kind of education is being received though? Having just made the transition out of a secular university with that coveted piece of paper in hand, I can tell you exactly what type of education America's young people are receiving: one unconcerned with absolute truth. I'm sure that this is not the case in all departments. Mathematicians do not reside in the realm of subjectivity. A rectangle will always consist of 90-degree angles, and 25 will always be divisible by five even if you insist to look at it through a Marxist lens. But in nearly all of my humanities courses, there was no such thing as absolute truth. The closest we came were well-supported theses. This absence of truth naturally led to an abstraction of definitions. When this “logic” is followed, it doesn't take too long before you're convinced there is no such thing as “gender.” Gender becomes a social construct – a tool used by a society or culture to categorize the sexes in ways they ought not.

Any new bride will tell you that the idea that gender only exists as a social invention is nonsense. I was never more convinced in the reality of gender distinctions than the first few months of marriage. It's real. Not only is it real, it's intentional. God didn't create male and female to be different only in anatomical components. He created them to be different in strengths, weaknesses, abilities, functions, and purposes. It's beautiful to realize that He didn't just create them to be different: He created them to be complementary. But is it really a danger that we abandon the distinction? Can't the distinction be like small pox: real, but no longer a concern because of the advancement of society? It is impossible to advance past gender, and to attempt to do so (especially as believers) really is dangerous. There are at least three broad dangers in this abandonment of gender and one individual danger.

Firstly, embedded in the premise of ignoring or denying the existence of gender is a disregard for the absoluteness of God's authorship. Genesis 3:18 describes God's intention for women. It says, “Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'” God intentionally authored woman to be a helper to her husband. By choosing to deny or ignore this role, women deny or ignore God's intentional authorship. And if God's authority in gender cannot be seen, how will his authority and sovereignty over the more complex aspects of life be seen? Without God as authority, feelings and/or experience is enthroned as that which governs and dictates life. It's important to see what is happening here: God is being denied Kingship. And that's a very big deal. Refusal to see God as intentional author of the role of the female gender is a dangerously cracked foundation upon which some are choosing to build their lives.

The second danger that results in a refusal to accept God's biblical authorship of gender roles is a discontent in marriage. When those feelings of pride and selfishness creep in (when), because emotions and experience have been enthroned as governors, conflicts are not resolved in godly, self-sacrificial ways. Selfish desires and that which we think we are entitled to, not God's will revealed in scripture, become a priority over husbands, homes, and sanctification.

Lastly, because of a refusal to accept gender roles, families suffer. I don't have children, but I have seen the effects of this post-modern mentality in family members and friends. Without biblical commitment to God's will in gender roles, mothers cannot teach daughters how to pursue biblical femininity and they cannot teach sons how to pursue biblical masculinity. A new generation of post-modern, subjective evaluators is formed and their tendency to apply this absence of hard-and-fast truth won't stop with gender.

On the individual level, the saddest result of women refusing to submit herself to the role God has given her is the reality that she will not be able to experience the joys of submission to the Lord through submission to her husband. She won't be able to be that radical woman who is so rare in our culture that finds fulfillment and satisfaction and complete contentment in being what God has told her she ought to be. She cannot be an example to her sons to encourage them to be providers and protectors of such women. She cannot be an example to her daughters by showing them that their joy and worth is found in Christ and in obedience to Him. She cannot teach her children how not to be swayed to and fro by every new philosophy that comes along, but rather be grounded, governed, and guided by the sufficiency of the Word of God.